Hold onto your seats people, because there’s an announcement that will make you say “what the fuck??” at your desk in your open plan office space and make you spit coffee over your keyboard….
M asked me to marry him. And I said yes.
Uh huh – you still said ‘what the fuck’, didnt you?
In an unexpected (sort of) turn of events, M decided that now was the best time for us to get sorted out, relationship-wise. And I thought he had a pretty good point.
So, the basics: how, when, why?
So, he was at work, and hurt his back, badly. He went to the Dr who gave him some super-strong painkillers. He finished work early, and was driving home when he thought that actually, he would take the opportunity of the early mark to go and check the size and order a ring he had picked at the local jewellers (and which he had already shown me).
He came home, and told me that he was just going up the road to get some deodorant and Orangina (French ‘Fanta’, except with real orange pulp). He occasionally gets Orangina cravings, so I didnt think anything of it.
He arrived at the jewellers. He wasnt sure of my size, and asked if he could come back another day. The assistant suggested that he just buy the ring now, to make sure it didnt get sold to someone else, and come back to have it resized if it didnt fit. (Note to self: OK, I think this is the stage where he started to get all a little bit too excited about things. The super-strength pain-killers may have played a part in this next decision). So he bought the ring, and together with the roll-on and fizzy drink, brought it home.
I was in the kitchen, getting dinner ready when he came back.
In his mind, he was just getting prepared. He thought he’d just buy the ring and ask me later, potentially at our friend’s wedding in 2 weeks time, or for our one year ‘meeting’ anniversary the week after that. But he said he kept thinking about the ring, sitting in his chest of drawers He thought about going to sleep that night, knowing that the ring was just 1 metre away. After about 30mins, he said he just couldnt wait. (Note to self: I wonder which drawer he put it in? Undies? Tracksuit pants?)
He came into the kitchen and asked me to come into the lounge room to clink glasses on our red wine before drinking (a firm tradition between us). I thought it was just going to be a 2 second thing, so I didnt even wash the lemon juice off my hands. So we said “Sante”, and drank.
Then he pushed towards me a wetsuit material stubby-holder with the Australian flag on it: “It’s for you.”
I was like, um, yeah, great, a stubby holder, that my Mum sent over for your birthday, and now its a gift for me – excellent. Then I saw a beautifully wrapped box inside.
I thought it was a chocolate.
It was a ring.
I asked him what he was trying to say (goddamnit, I’d waited my whole life to hear those effing words!! I was gonna hear them no matter what!). He said “Will you marry me?”.
He started crying, so did I.
I said yes.
We took some photos of the ring, the moment, the stubby-holder. We hugged, we were a bit shell-shocked, we laughed.
After a few minutes I said “Well, I’m hungry, better get back to the dinner!” And headed back in for some more lemon juice extraction.
We spent the next couple of days just digesting it. Just spending time together, talking. We didn’t tell anyone.
We finally told his parents, and then his aunt and uncle who live around the corner.
I couldnt get hold of my Mum on skype until the weekend (time difference, M working, my Mum working etc). I didnt want to tell my Mum by text message, or just on the phone by myself. I wanted us both to tell her, and for her to see us both. It’s hard enough for her to be so far away from me, and I really wanted to make a big effort for her.
Finally, a week later, I announced it on Facebook (the official record of all relationship status).
The reactions were mostly in the theme of “oh my god!” and “what the fuck?”.
I asked him why he wanted to ask me now, and not later. He said that he didnt want me to question his commitment to me in the (becoming more likely) event that I had to move to London for work. He didnt want to lose the opportunity.
From my perspective, I think we had already committed ourselves emotionally a while ago. The formal engagement was just an outward expression of what had already been decided.
I think I realised when I was on the plane back to Paris after visiting my family for the birth of my gorgeous niece. During the flight, I finished reading “The Fountainhead” by Ayn Rand. The heroine explains her love for the hero in words and actions particularly well at the end of the book. And as I thought about her type of love, I realised that there is one feature that stands out: she has no questions about their relationship. No “what if?”, no “maybe if things go like that then we can be together?” etc etc. And I think that’s the flip-side of people saying that they “just know” when they’ve met “The One”.
When I thought about all my friends who are in fantastic relationships/marriages, that’s one feature consistent in all of them. They dont have any more questions or uncertainties about their relationship. Even if they fight, disagree, argue. They just know.
And I realised that I didnt have any more questions about my relationship with M. No more second guessing, no more doubts, no more “if only he’d just do this“, or “if only he’d be more like that“, no more insecurity.
For me, this is a logical, unquestionable, next part of the journey for us as individuals and the journey of our relationship. This is very personal, deep, and intimate.
I didnt think about what ‘this’ looks like from the outside, until it was announced and people started sending their congratulations.
And then the cliches started to roll in: “You’re engaged to a hot, romantic Frenchman, he proposed in Paris, in the springtime, with a French red wine and candlelight. And how romantic will it be to have a wedding in Paris!”
Yes, it’s true. But I never thought of it until people mentioned it. This was never an element of my French ‘dream’. Ok, I always thought that I would like to find someone who either was French or who loved France like I do (or was willing to experience it for a while). But to actually fall in love and want to commit to someone, who is French, and who loves Paris, well, that’s just a bonus.
I think I need to put my ‘Little Miss Logic’ in the drawer for a while, and allow myself to get carried away in the romance a little. After all, it’s not that often in your life when you can truly let your heart go all mushy.
There was a time, not that long ago, when I really thought my life had reached a dead end. There was no going forward, no side-paths, and not even the ability to just stagnate where I was. I found this quote (the author changes depending on which website you view), and wrote it on the inside of my diary. I couldnt see how it could be true. I couldnt see what my life could possibly be like. But it gave me hope to keep going, and to keep searching for a future.
There will come a time
when you believe
everything is finished.
That will be the beginning.
And I recently found this verse from a Sufi poem about marriage:
A new hope is born in my heart.
Because of this trip to Paris, because of M, a new hope is born in my heart. This, is just the beginning.
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